A day in the life of Dr. Killemoff

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:46:01 GMT

Dear journal,

Today I realised how truly crazy I am. I came to this realisation via the use of greased monkey. For those of you not in the know; greased monkey is a game I just invented, this very second. I'd tell you rules, but you wouldn't really understand them. Covering a monkey in oil and trying to capture him while he slips through your fingers is above most people's levels of comprehension, after all.

"So, how did you use greased monkey to reach this amazing conclusion, Doctor?" I hear you ask. Well, Jimmy, it's elementary. A sane person would have used a lighter to set the monkey alight, laugh until it was dead, and then proceed to dance over the newly captured monkey-corpse. I, on the other hand, befriended the monkey with the promise of bananas. Damn, I'm a crazy jerk of craziness.

- Dr. "lost any and every ounce of humour, here's a picture of a cat: " Killemoff.

A love letter, of evil.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:40:58 GMT

Dear Someone,

I love you.
I love you more than my seventeen hearts can take.
I have four arms, so I assume I surely must have seventeen hearts, right?
Of course I'm right, what else could I be?
That's right, nothing.
Wrong is anything but what I ever am.
I love you.

This was an Emo-Poem brought to you by Evil Inc. and the letter red.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 20:46:35 GMT

I don't know what the current topic of the day should be-- there is a number of fun and interesting topics to write about, I just don't know which one to pick.

Ahaha, I fooled you. April fools! Tar-la-la I'm going to kill stuff.
Today's interesting topic is in fact fun and interesting topics. I've already pointed out the troubles with fun interesting topics is that the sheer abundance of them makes it hard to pick just one singular fun and interesting topic to write about.
The best side about fun and interesting is that they're both fun and interesting.

Have another dance!

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 00:04:58 GMT

Dear journal,

I'm writing in orange. Orange is the colour of the most humble of fruits, the orange coloured banana. The reason you've not heard of the orange banana before this journal entry is because the orange banana is just that humble.

Orange is also a very good colour because it's Travis' colour for his text - it's his identify if you like. I am now an identity thief of the most heinousness.
You may be scared of me now, but soon enough you'll love me again. How couldn't you? It's me after all.
Being an criminal isn't so bad, actually - no guilt or anything. I'm just sat here reaping the spoils! Screw you society!

- Dr. Killemoff

Project Beard.

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 18:38:22 GMT

Dear journal,

The unofficial project beard isn't looking quite as manly as I had hoped. There's still hope for it, though - just that it won't be as 'full' as I had hoped. Alas, no pirating for me (within the next year, at least).

- Dr. Killemoff

P.S. Damn, am I ever[y bit] sexy [as a goat in labour - the political party]!

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 13:08:49 GMT

Dear Journal,

I had forgotten to keep up with my previous entry format. Forgive me and I shall make you a wicker basket. Fail to forgive me you shall feel my wrath!*

Okay... totally interestingly, using antidandruft shampoo is a big a rip-off as drinking bottled water is. Just don't do it. Get a hold of yourself, man! You can resist the temptation of using useless products, surely, you must for the future of mankind!
I'm serious. Bottled water is not better or worse than treated tap water is, paying extra for bottled water is a big waste of money - while it is your money to waste, funding evil companies to buy their 'special' water is silly. You might as well give your soul to the butcher to make his best-cut out of right now.
The only time you should buy bottled water is when you decide to visit a third-world country without a clean water supply. Even then you're paying too much for water! Best just stay home so not to waste your hard earned money. Hell, let's make it even better live on the street so you don't need to pay home owner taxes.

- Dr. Killemoff.

* My pet dog named Wrath, he's actually ShiTzu named Bruno, but you will, however, feel him.

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 23:28:44 GMT

It is 23 minuets past midnight, and I just shot at a witch with my water pistol - she didn't melt much, and kind of turned me into a 90-year-old grumpy man with prostate cancer. Crap.

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 18:56:03 GMT

This is an extract from my first and last 51-word-novel:

"Click, click, click" said Carl the dolphin in reply to a question no one asked. Oh boy, did we ever hate Carl. He was the one in the group who was there to be made fun of, so that the rest of us could elevate our self esteem off his turmoil.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 21:21:22 GMT

this is a prediction of what I'd look like with a beard.

Oh yes, am I ever growing one now!

En-tree.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 13:51:06 GMT

Today's entry is about fishing, and how awesome fishing translates into real life situations.

Fishing is the art of standing or sitting completely still without making a sound, until you ensnare a silly fish who thinks that worms live under water - teehee.
There's many types of fishing, there's freshwater fishing, and sea fishing. Fresh water fishing fishing can take place in any location with a supply of freshwater. The bath tub is a good example. Sea fishing on the other hand can only take place on a small boat, with lots of men who want your body, in the middle of the sea where the laws of the land don't apply.

Now that we understand what fishing is, now I'll take my time to tell you how skills developed from this manly sport will help you in real-life situations:
1) Waiting for a bus.
The patients learnt from the sport of fishing helps you catch a bus. As you don't get so clouded with rage you can actually see out of your eye uninhibited. This allows you to see the oncoming bus, and flag it down rather than getting run over by it.

2) In a restaurant.
When you order your food, you understand why it's taking so long - you know what it takes to catch a fish, so you obviously know it takes them time to catch your dinner. You'll find yourself more willing to wait on your yummy food. Thusly, you'll not get your food spat on. Winner!

3) Being a professional.
In the work place there's many things in your way to the top of the tree - but you, the fisherman/woman know too damn well that you need to lure your boss with a worm and then reel in that new promotion. That's right, being a fisherman/woman gets you promotions with little to no effort.

4) In the bedroom.
I know for a fact you have a room with a bed in, and I know for a fact what you do in there. Fishing improves these skills. You can now just lie in bed, cast your rod out and wait. Sooner or later something will come along.

5) Being a politician.
Fishing gives you the skill of lying. That right, fishing teaches you how to lie. When you catch a fish, it always become ten-million times bigger in your stories.
Fishing also help politician be teaching spin. The reel spins 200-times per second.

Rubbish night, the night of good will to all men.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 23:52:53 GMT

So, I was like totally thinking "Andrew, I feel that we've moved on enough in life to come back to the bad places that we once ruled over with an iron fist." and so I came back here, to you guys.
The current love of my life is a large turd that blocks my sink's pipes. How it got there? I think it's best not to ask such 'nonce-sense.'
To be honest with you, my fans. I've not posted since the 22nd of February, 2005, which just so happened to be the day I died. That's to say I lost my soul in a poker game, to a very sexy lady who hustled me. The monkey look-a-like told me it was a game of strip poker, and that the winner gets a banana, lies, all lies. She was really the Devil-monkey.

Anyway - enough of this pussy footing around, let's get down and dirty with the post:
"I'm back until I leave." Don't misread the context of this. I'll have to open up the wider picture to let you see what I mean. I'm going to do this by explaining to you what each, and every, word means.

I'm
Contraction of I am.
    I
    The word 'I' refers to one's self, the writer in this case.
    am
    First person singular present indicative of be.

back
In this context back is returning to the original position. The original position being Dr_Killemoff's Live Journal.

until
until is referring to a point before a certain point in time, in the context of this sentence it's before an undetermined time.

I
The word 'I' refers to one's self, the writer in this case.

leave
Leave, as in to go away from a certain point, the point referring to this Live Journal.

I'm so oldschool?

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 16:49:30 GMT

Dear journal,

Yesterday the one episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I remembered clearly was on, and at the very moment I'm watching one of the Transformer episodes I remember clearly. Coincidence? I think not.

- Dr. Killemoff.

P.S. It's snowing. *_*

Oh my.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 18:13:13 GMT

Dear journal,

As of late I have been a big-fat-lazy-bum-face, which in turn made me not write any journal entries.
Let's sum-up the last few months in this one post:
* Found a Place that sells SoBe.
* Bought lots and lots of SoBe.
* I rhymed the words "mullet" and "mullet" together, in my two word poem about mullets.
* That's aboot it. Oh yeah, I turned Canadian, eh.

- Dr. Killemoff

Sketch Dump.

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 13:19:49 GMT

='(

No title can do justice.

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 15:02:27 GMT

Dear journal,

Glastonbury festival was cool, I saw bands/solo artists a-plenty, I bought some things, and sat around just being all relaxed and stuff.

Dr. Killemoff.

I'll optional you!

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 07:12:08 GMT

Now my internet stalking skills should merit me the "World's greatest (internet) person award 2007", or at least to be nominated for it, but alas, this post doesn't have much, or anything, to do with stalking (well I guess it does in a way).

I was typing random things into Google, as you do, when something caught my eye; it was my sister's MSN account name so I decided to look at the link, as you do. I turned out to be her account at a forum that has a built-in journal function (well it wasn't built-in, but rather a separate add-on to the phpBB forum), to which I thought "um, might as well take a quick look into that evil girl's evil life!" it hasn't been updated for about a year, but that's not the thing I'm writing about, the thing I'm writing about is that in an entry she was posting a picture of me and in a later comment "pimping me out" to the highest bidder. No one bided I cried for about, oh lets say a week.

This is how the entry went down(town):

"And now I'm going to prove that me and Dani are infact pornstar twins! (yes I know I have a twin sister already but we don't exactly look alike >.<)"

*a picture of each of Dani and Isla for the porn star comparison here*

"seperated at birth? I fuckin' think so!

and here for ms Dani's benefit a pic of my Brother who helped me take some pictures earlier tonight. .."

*my picture here*

"Yes he does look girly by the light of computer doesn't he! :p"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"BAHAHA

OUR BROTHER IS HOOOOOTTTTT" (I guess that's Dani? I'm so smart.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"*cackles*

didn't I WARN you about the incest!!!

*dies*

But being porn Twins I guess we're allowed the occasional bit of incest... at least that's what the porn industry has taught me! O.o;" (My sister now scares me. Oh snap, she already did anyway. =()

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Your brother's hot. >.<

>.>

<.<

Don't tell anyone I said so. :>" (ZING, AHAHAHAH, ZING!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That's it, I'm pimping him out to the highest bidder!" (No one bid. ='()

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"**oogles**
**googles**
**gaggles**

I am oogling at *Isla's internet alias here*! (omitted due to stalking, or something) If you can do such a thing...
And her brother.

Mmm.

^_^

Love ~ Ashi" (I can't think of anything to say. =/)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To this I, if I wanted to announce my presents, which I don't, would say something like:

"I'm so pretty! <3

Hey! I'm standing here!"

Just for randomness... randomness and because of the drawing I did of "LOLerskates". Sigh, I'm bored. Where's T when you need him for AoM, that's right away on holiday. =(

- Dr. "doesn't believe in the lj-cut tag" Killemoff.

This is a serious warning...

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 16:28:59 GMT

Everything causes cancer!
Be weary of everything, your cat, your television, your own skin, everything. You can't even trust homeless people anymore, not even the drugged up ones begging you for a hit of herrings. =(
"I'm going to breath anyway!" I hear you say, I’m sorry, but I'm playing the "doctor's orders" card.

- Dr. Killemoff.

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 11:41:58 GMT

Dear journal,

LINKARIFFIC!

So, it would seem that they were off, just slightly though, by 42 days. =O

BYE!

- Dr. Killemoff.

OK.

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 17:57:56 GMT

Dear journal,

Last night, while playing on Age of Mtyhology: The Titans Expansion with a starpping young lad going by the alias name of "xtlimitlessx." This xtlimitlessx chap made the greatest pattern out of walls ever. The pattern looked like "MARRY ME" and I replied "1", we were all like "k!", then we killed the other teams, and we were just awesome!

*_____**_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*!111

- Dr. Killemoff.

happy-happy joy-joy!

Sat, 29 May 2004 06:34:52 GMT

Dear journal,

I love Ren and Stimpy.

Ta ta for now,

Dr. Killemoff.

And the elephants are dancing on the graves of squealing mice.

Sun, 23 May 2004 13:39:24 GMT

Dear journal,

If I was a stripper, which I am, I'd know what I would want stuffed down my g-sting (other than hands, teehee *blush*):

Age of Mythology and Age of Mythology: Titans expansion.

- Dr. Killemoff.

P.S. There's a topless version of this which you can send away for; at the low, low price of £300. Ok.

I don't think MS Word likes me.

Thu, 20 May 2004 21:44:52 GMT

HMO,

Today I am writing on the one eight to eighteen on the shelf words species been updated also post office knife also will still.< selling way><to work for walls, WA, WA?

- Hee haw. Came off.

Hello.

Wed, 19 May 2004 05:45:41 GMT

Dear journal,

Fillmore! is possibly the greatest cartoon (not from my childhood) this twenty-year-old has ever had the pleasure of watching.
If you're not aware of what Fillmore! is: It's a Disney cartoon series which is a 70s, 80s hard-boiled detective/cop-show spoof, set in a middle school, where the police are replaced by the "safety-patrol" who are:
Cornelius Fillmore (The main character, who was once, himself, a bad-egg.)
Ingrid Third (The new student who becomes Fillmore's new partner after is old one leaves.)
Jr. Commissioner Vallejo (The commissioner who's always on at the pair to shape-up and go by the book)
Danny O'Farrell (The nerdy guy who takes photos of crimes (I don't know what to call that =/))
Joseph Anza (Nothing more than "the laid back one" really)
Karen Tehama (Forensics spicaliest.)

Disco.

- Dr. Killemoff.

P.S. I'm a loser. =D

I'll make mine a Zinger tower meal.

Sat, 15 May 2004 03:35:30 GMT

Dear journal,

I regret to inform you that I'm boring and this is going to be a somewhat-long-winded entry about an elephant that lost his belly button. *SPOILER* it was under all of his wrinkles!!!

A large grey elephant named Francis was sitting on his rather luxurious buffalo-leather settee with his best pal, Jasmine. Now Jasmine wasn't an elephant like Francis, oh no, she was much smaller and hairier, as she was monkey-like creature known to the average English-speaking-person as a gorilla.
As Francis and Jasmine were discussing the finer points of the new "non-smoking when on fire law" that had just come into play that very second, Jasmine lent over Francis to get the bacon and crumbled biscuit sandwich making kit and she didn't see a bellybutton on that 'feisty feline' so she announced in a puzzled manner "what the crap, you have no bellybutton, Francis!" quickly follow by the "DUN, DUN, DUN" of the doorbell.
Francis swiftly moved his bulky body over to the door to hide his flustered face from Jasmine, he opened the door, a refreshing breeze flowed into the room cooling his fluster face vastly, and as this happened he closed his eyes to have a stylized-relieved-face, as they do in Hollywood. At the door was I posing as detective Naysmith, I exclaimed at the top of my lungs "I'm here to find the missing bellybutton of Francis the elephant!"
I strolled around the apartment for several hours before making my second statement "it just so happens I've read a book about elephant belly buttons-- the butler did it."

The End. I mean Dr. Killemoff. Yeah.

=(

Fri, 14 May 2004 23:21:20 GMT

Dear journal,

THE INTERNET DIED FOR FOUR DAYS!!!11... I had to live by drinking my own urine*. my own urine for crap sakes, my own

...

urine! My own!

- Dr. Killemoff.

* Dr Pepper®.